Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
