I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this boner is exhausting
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
