i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
