they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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