I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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