he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
