Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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