can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just fell off a train. Bad.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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