did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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