Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
