I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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