Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
