well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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