I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
