I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
