Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
