my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
