sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
