I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
