she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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