i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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