I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
