I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
