JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I supernannyed him into submission
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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