Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
