I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
