Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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