I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
