Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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