well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
