A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
