I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Randomize
