Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the condom got lost in my hair
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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