This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
