You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fuck appropriateness.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
