I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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