nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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