So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
And then he peed in my hair
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