How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
