see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
