I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
