eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
