I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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