I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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