just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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