You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
