I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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