her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
