i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
