hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
