I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
